This post on feeling like the enemy is written by Emma Fox. Find out more about Emma on our About page.
More often than I’d like, I find myself asking myself – am I a bad person? I experience a lot of tension on this topic. Because something I know with all my being is that I am a good and kind person and I try my best to show it through my words and actions. Why is it then, that people seem to assume the worst of me?
Struggles with my identity
I’ve struggled with my identity over the years. I think this is natural for autistic people diagnosed in adulthood, who have spent their life masking. I have always instinctively known that I am not like other people. And when you feel you’re the only one that’s different, you can feel ‘broken’ or ‘wrong’.
The teenage years especially are supposed to be all about finding out who you are. But for me, it was all about figuring out who I was supposed to be and trying my hardest to fit in. Somehow though, I never quite managed it. It’s like people can just sense I’m different. And it saddens me to say that people can associate ‘different’ with ‘bad’.
Being judged
Thinking about when my being different was perceived as negative, I can definitely draw the most examples from my teenage years. It felt as though I was treated with suspicion within my friendship group. If there was a rumour about a girl from the group doing something wrong, fingers seemed to always point at me. One time I witnessed someone deleting messages from another girl’s phone and when I told the girl, she assumed I was lying to try and cause trouble.
I would always wonder where these reactions came from. It was clear I had some sort of negative reputation. But what on earth had I done to earn it? Certainly nothing intentionally bad! I was someone who always tried to support others and to listen to their problems. Perhaps it was things that I just didn’t realise I was doing? Maybe I misunderstood social cues and norms and acted in ways that weren’t considered ‘the norm’. Who knows?! But I know that my intentions were always good.
Is this a part of the autistic experience? Are we being judged by neurotypical standards and we never quite make the grade? Are we treated with suspicion, just because people are wary of things they don’t understand? Maybe if I (and others) had known I was autistic then things would have been different – but, to be honest, I’m not so sure.
The struggle continues
I continue to have similar experiences in adulthood and post-diagnosis. It doesn’t happen to the same degree, mainly because I only spend time around a small number of people. I am not thrust into social situations on a daily basis like I was in my school days. But when it does happen those old feelings come flooding back. Feelings of rejection, being broken, and being misunderstood with nothing I can do about it.
I have a very strong sense of fairness and justice, which is common in the autistic community (though not all people experience this). For me, this makes it harder to swallow the judgement of others. Because I truly feel that I try to be good. I try so hard, but I always seem to end up back in the same situations.
The more times it happens, the more ingrained it becomes. The more I doubt myself. And alongside this comes extreme frustration as I have worked so hard to try and increase my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Only to be knocked down.
Holding on to me
But I have to come back to what I know at my core. I am good. I am kind. I care for others. And I try my best to show these things. I may not be able to control the opinions and actions of others, but these things I can control.
Have you had similar experiences? Leave a comment and let me know.